Lady in (not red but) distress - 2016

December 31, 2016


I started the year 2016 confused to say the least. I was extremely uncomfortable with my life, debating what to do with basically everything.

I went through a lot of self-observing, reading mind-blowing books and spending most of the time in my own thoughts. It seemed like the new knowledge and ideas I gathered about the world and existence (myself included) was too much to handle. It was completely different from that awkward teenage debating - I hate these skater thighs and my parents know nothing about anything - since this time it was not so much about personal insecurities but about the world in which we live in. All of a sudden I found myself creating new ideas and visions to replace the worldview I used to take for granted.

At the time I struggled so much I turned into a distant person to those near me. I even found myself bursting into tears in a national history museum in Vienna (?), that's how overwhelming the world was for me.

I am a spiritual pisces / monkey personality (hello true horoscope believers), and have a lot of mystical thoughts about life in general. In the midst of everything overwhelming, I made all kinds of visions about the year ahead of me. Like the fact that a life of a water monkey (that is my Chinese horoscope) could be sparked up with some fire this year, as the current year is the year of fire monkey. For non-spiritual beings this is just a shitload of humbug.

HOWEVER. This is exactly how life works. In order to get something done those awkward, overwhelming periods are needed. Never would I have decided to do this (another) upcoming study period abroad if it wasn't for the uncomfortable feeling I had. Therefore, a month from now I'll pack my bags and move to Zurich for a while.

What is more, throughout the year I've felt like my true self for more than I have since forever. I have been feeling the childlike energy I used to have. I've always been very self-confident, giving a little thought to what others may think. Yet, this year has been beyond that. 

These are the kinds of thoughts that really cannot be expressed in words. Talking to like-minded close friends who get this feeling is as close as it gets - and even then no words can be used, it's just a shared feeling that floats within those conversations. Yet, this is a sort of a diary to me, so I know writing this down now feels significant. Even when it is complete nonsense to the ones reading, sorry.

And sorry (not sorry) for only writing in English this time. Sometimes I cannot bear to translate something I wrote in another language because the translation seems to lack emotion.

I hope you all had a magical, meaningful year. As amazing as that picture my brother snapped in South Africa two weeks ago.

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